Women like polite sex. Complimentary foreplay, extended main course, then hug with another 1000 caresses.
Erotic power games: Why more and more women want sex harder. Everything please considerate, sensitive, tender. Men should be cavaliers in bed, give way to men, just as they have learned from many advisers and kitchen conversations. Macks have no access to the holy of holies. They are not bossed around, but loved in a well-behaved manner, preferably at sunset under palm trees.
Erotic fantasies are not only cuddly soft
So much for the cliché of the naturally cuddly woman. The truth is less wool-washed: Some of our midnight-black fantasies eclipse even the censored scenes of " 1/2 week". Not only since Britney Spear's "Hit me baby one more time" pleaded, it is clear: Women want it harder sometimes. The Hamburg Sexological Institute found out that up to 38 percent of women in erotic fantasies are beguiled by a touch of pain, playful violence, verbal humiliation or the desire to be brutally overwhelmed. According to a survey by the Society for Rational Psychology in Munich, up to 65 percent of all women even dream of being involved in erotic power games from time to time.
So women don't always fantasize beautifully. In many of us - regardless of profession, age or bank account balance - sexual needs slumber, in the face of which inveterate feminists are likely to be overcome by horror. "Lustful submission" is the name of the excitement. The devoted woman, who likes to be dominated, is the big taboo, which is best immediately pushed into the dubious sadomasochistic corner.
It's not even about hardcore practices from the domino studio with whip straps on the butt and full-body latex suit. Rather it's about the kick in the head, which is triggered by erotic power games. It's about the tension-filled world of dominance and submission. It's about the longing for experiences that could be waiting beyond top-down sex.
At work the cool power woman, in bed the submissive female?
What if it was... What if he touches harder, clutching his wrists tightly. What if he blindfolds us, cuffs us, shawls us, belts us, arouses us, but doesn't release us? When he breaks our sham resistance with words and commands for which he would otherwise receive a slap in the face. When he tears off our clothes as if it were the last thing he will do in this life. When he does things we seldom get to read about in women's magazines. In short, when he gives the dominoes, is absolutely man to whom we give ourselves unconditionally.
The shame about such politically incorrect desires is great. Firstly, because rape and sexual abuse of women is a heinous crime with which one wants to have absolutely nothing to do. On the other hand, because the desire to be taken is in stark contrast to the image of the emancipated, self-confident woman of today. Which enlightened power lady throws herself at a macho man?
Yes, yes, it's quite normal to have these impulses. Such transgressions are part of an exciting sexuality and could form a new chapter of self-confident femininity. Sexual researchers report that more and more women do not want the considerate, gentle man in bed - even if they appreciate his qualities in everyday life.
The longing for dominance in bed has many reasons
This is what some women ask themselves, who would like more than bondage light with silk scarf or strawberries from the navel every now and then. The reasons for the longing for more hardness in love are manifold. A common reason is the avoidance of guilt. Unconsciously we may feel our sexual urges to be dirty, forbidden, indecent and pass the responsibility for this on to the dominant man - according to the motto: "Actually I don't want to, but he carried me away. He made me do bad things, I can't help it..."
Self-esteem can also be boosted by tempestuous possessiveness: "He wants me so much that he loses control and ruthlessly attacks me." Wow! What an exciting idea that I inflame him so much just by being here!
But it can also be something completely different: the hunger for passionate experiences beyond nice cuddle sex. The desire to cross boundaries, just to see what's behind them. When you've grown tired of explaining how you'd like it to be and your "Is it good like this?" takes away any tension. When you secretly ask yourself: When was the last time we were really wild about each other? How long has it been since I noticed the pleasure bites only when I look in the mirror afterwards?
Women are strong enough to be weak
That's what women are all about: They want to be subjected voluntarily, by every trick in the book. They want to be both consistent seducers and servants of our lust. The decision to place oneself in his hands does not stem from a weakness - but from the strength to stand by this lust! The curve is not easy to turn, but more and more women have the self-confidence to say: I am strong enough to become weak at times. That doesn't mean I'm perverted, sick or masochistic. Come here you animal, do what you want with me - but in a way that I like it!
Not every man can handle the gift of devotion
Where do you get a guy who understands all this, who sends the bull out every now and then, possibly without having to say anything big about it? After all, it has already cost enough nerves to admit to your own needs and to renounce the morals of strangers. And now the slippery rabbit is to become the tough stallion. But what if he doesn't do it right and takes away my dignity? Or I have to laugh because he is not up to his role? What if he really hurts me or secretly despises me? What will happen to our relationship - will he want to get rid of the brutal guy in everyday life?
You might think that in every man there is an urge to dominate the woman in love. Unfortunately: no. Unfortunately, because a good portion of empathy, imagination, courage, self-confidence and even more respect is needed to manage the gift of "do what you want". And not every man can do that - whether for fear of accidentally hurting her, for fear of not following her mental script and being too clumsy.
Moreover, the tough act does not fit the self-image of the obliging gentleman. Women-understanders don't grab on tight, that's just dull hooligans, many men believe. After all, they don't want to run the risk of slipping into the category of "perverted rapists", even if only approximately.
The power game is a minefield, but entering the explosive zone is allowed and can have a highly erotic effect if the basic conditions are met: A stable feeling of reliability, trust and intimacy is required if one wants to put the staging of erotic submission scenarios into the hands of someone else.
Connected with this is the insight that sexuality is a part of our personality - but does not overlay our whole life. Power games in the bedroom therefore do not necessarily have to change our common everyday life. On the basis of respect and trust, ritual power games can be designed safely for heart and mind. If this security is there, shame or hasty censorship of one's own fantasy is out of place. But those who love wisely also know that it is not necessary to realize all fantasies, but only those that one believes oneself capable of.
Rough Films, books, photos - erotic inspiration is allowed
To live out the fantasies - that is harder done than said, because men seem to have less knowledge of women's desires than of quantum physics. And yet more than 80 percent would be dying to know what their sweetheart wants. So let's break it to them gently...
Tip number one: Good sex needs a story. It needs an imagination that goes beyond the physical. You have to be curious about your partner, but don't assume you already know everything.
Sure, no problem. You put your self-written screenplay, "Dominance at Home," on his pillow... and then... No! We are all madly eloquent, but when it comes to our own needs, we are suddenly very secretive. So if you are not a master of clear words, then you will have to resort to tactics of reading, watching, commenting, imitating, doing better or differently: whether it's films like "Body of Evidence", "The Last Tango in Paris", "The Lover" or, if necessary, "Wild Orchid"; reading classics like "The Story of the 0", "Venus in Fur", or modern stories like "Quiver" or "Taxi to Paris", or even photography volumes by Araki, Roy Stewart or Jeff Koons.
When consumed together, the reactions of the other can be observed: Does it turn him on? Is he irritated because he thought you were into having sex with flowers? Maybe you will also experience a surprise - he is enraptured, he gets the hint. It's much easier to talk about other people's obsessions than to talk about your own - so you talk about what you see. How you feel about it. Whether it inspires you... And maybe something will come of it. An hour of confessions, a situation, a game, a tattered pair of tights, a nice dollop of paraffin wax somewhere.
Don't rush anything - a wall of morals, doubts and fears can't be taken down in one night. Whatever happens, erotic borderlands should be entered carefully - after all, you don't have to fulfill a sexual plan. It is important not to forget the follow-up: What I liked, what could be better and what I would like to do without.
Is beating ok? Determine where to go
Sexual power games involve rules that you have to establish in advance. For example, "shackle yes, gag no. Hard to touch, okay, no butt slaps. Slip cut ups are OK, but it better not be La Perla's. Orders yes, just this or that I wouldn't do. If something goes too far or hurts me, I'll tell you to stop. Tomorrow night, it would be nice to just cuddle up again or have a nice dinner.
Do not underestimate the effect your clear, loving instructions will have on him. "Let her tell me what she likes," still tops the men's wish list. At last he knows what he can, may, should do - and so the game of submission turns into a scenario in which you are the active determiner even in the passive role. A space is created in which he can play not only with your body but also with your head. What is reprehensible about this? And the most beautiful thing about these experiences will be when he comes up with completely new things within the acceptable, the familiar, that surpass your own fantasies. If he goes one step further - that is the stuff that the bridges of lust are made of.
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